based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
