She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
