my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
