I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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