1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
