every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize