You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
