First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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