Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
