i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize