I am spending my child support on dildos
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
