Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
