i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
