wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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