I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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