this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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