I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
