Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
