She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
do herpes really smell.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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