oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize