i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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