It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
