FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
