Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
