Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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