Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
