Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
