i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
