Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
