I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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