my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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