I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
