this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
my liver is dry heaving
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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