Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
