I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
