i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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