What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
This house was built for laser tag.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
