??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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