its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Send help, water and tortillas.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
