I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
how drunk are you?
Several
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
