bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize