wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
