Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
