all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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