I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
