No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
