he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
