Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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