Your face is a jimmy john
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize