dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
