It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
