im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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