he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
