were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
