I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Randomize
