Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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