i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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