Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize