Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize